25th June 2005
Although it’s another 5 and 1/2 weeks till Anthony’s birthday this year I’m more painfully aware than ever of all the years I’ve missed out of. The pain has always been there but I learned to cope, kept busy, even went on holiday if I planned carefully. This year is the first one since reunion …. missed it by 5 days last year …. and I am finding it hard to cope. I feel like I’ve been punched between the eyes by Mike Tyson and am now panicking. What makes it worse is that I can’t find the words to tell Rick why I am so down …. he’s never seen my depression really surface before as I usually go very quiet when it’s bad and get over it after a few days. He knows Anthony’s birthday is coming up and hasn’t made the connection with my rattiness. He probably wouldn’t be very sympathetic anyway …. he never is and would probably just tell me to pull myself together and get over it like he normally does. Rick suffers with depression so should be more understanding particularly as his relates to his dad’s death so knows all about loss. He really doesn’t get it about the pain of loss through adoption and going through limbo all those years. As far as Rick is concerned Anthony is back in my life and I should be moving on therefore happy. Got to try and cheer myself up as Barry, Rick’s cousin is coming to visit on Sunday for a week. He knows about Anthony but I don’t want to make him feel awkward.
Have just received another letter to make an appointment to see the gynaecologist. As nothing has been mentioned about the referral to the PCT it is definitely a follow up appointment. I shall make the appointment though just in case something does happen before the appointment.”
*This period was really tough for me. Rick had been used to me being the strong one who always found the right words to say. He was now in new territory and was struggling with how to deal with it. He was and is my rock but it took a while before I realized it.