18th July 2005
Felt a bit better about myself yesterday and Rick has been a bit calmer. Feeling a bit down today as my mind keeps wandering back to the fact it will take something short of a miracle for me to have a baby. That’s the one thing I don’t like about going to church as there are so many babies and young children at the morning service. It just feels like a constant reminder of what I missed out on and that I’m being punished for having my one child adopted. I know that’s being stupid but I feel so bitter about it particularly as I know I am capable of having another child. I couldn’t be unfaithful to Rick just for the sake of having a baby either. At times I get fed up of Anthony bringing up the subject of me getting pregnant and me being light hearted about it. R doesn’t help the way he is convinced that we will have a child as well. I feel like shouting at the pair of them to shut up about the subject, that it’s not going to happen unless a major miracle happens. My faith isn’t strong enough for that and R blames me at times about that and tells me it won’t happens as I don’t have enough faith. I’ve tried but now after all this time I can’t take anymore. The only reason I am keeping the hospital appointment is to keep Anthony and Rick happy …. wish they would think about how I am feeling for a change though. It’s been hitting me more lately how much I desperately I wish I could have children. I can’t put it down to what happened over Anthony or being in reunion with him, I’ve just realized how much I wanted children.
To try and take my mind of things I am seriously thinking about doing an Open University course. It is something I’ve wanted to do for years but never had the confidence to do anything about it. Rick had information sent to him so now maybe I will go ahead with a course.