20th July 2005
Today I got Anthony’s birthday present and card sent off plus I enclosed a short note as well so he should get them well before his birthday. I have my doubts about the present as much as I love it …. ‘Footprints in the Sand’ tastefully done on a mirror …. as Anthony takes a dim view of anything spiritual despite being brought up in a Christian home. In my note I didn’t give away what I had bought him but just ask him to think about the meaning of the present and not to take it at face value. He is so very hard to buy presents and wish he had given me ideas but it’s done now. The message behind it though was to let him know I have always loved him even though I occasionally tell him and to reinforce I have always thought about him/always will. I feel very empty now which is a horrible feeling …. I don’t know how to work through this one as it’s the first time I’ve felt like this since reunion.
My feelings of low self esteem have also gone through the floor so I haven’t any at all now. My confidence has taken a battering as well and I can’t even say/write anything to anybody about that either. Writing in my journal and keeping it public is the only way I feel comfortable letting others know what I’m going through. I have much going for me, I’m in reunion, have my health, am married even if it isn’t exactly a match made in heaven and I have friends. The only down side is being married to someone who doesn’t understand how much he does knock my confidence and self esteem. Rick thinks he is being funny when he puts me down in joke but after 11 years of this I can’t take much more. I’m not sure what is worse …. him doing so in joke or in anger as both are as bad as each other.