27th September 2005
After I logged out of the forums I went on Anthony’s website for the family tree as he had let me know he’s added quite a bit more info. I already knew he had added his father’s details but has now added the wife’s name and his half brother’s details although those details are private. It really shook me up badly and my mood plummeted badly. I still haven’t said anything to a about him adding his father’s details, don’t know how to broach the subject, so this it getting to me badly now. It shouldn’t bother me but it has and I wish he would say something to me about it yet I don’t know how to bring the subject up myself. I suppose what doesn’t help is knowing K had another son and I haven’t had any more children. K still hasn’t accepted Anthony as far as I know though not knowing doesn’t help also I suppose I’m scared of losing a to K if he has accepted Anthony. K has managed to “give” Anthony something I haven’t and that’s a sibling which does hurt me so badly. When I went to bed I cried and couldn’t sleep for ages then I kept waking up which didn’t help. What makes it even worse is trying for so many years to have a baby and, not getting help to find out why I haven’t conceived. Finally finding out why this year left me feeling mixed up knowing that there wasn’t any reason why I shouldn’t but as R has a low sperm count there is only a minimal chance of me conceiving without medical help. To add to how I am feeling Rick wants to leave it in God’s hands so I am feeling resentful. It is that time of month now although nothing has happened so again I’m feeling down about that as well.