20th May 2005
I am now getting infuriated that I’m having problems adding to my journal as this is now about my fifth attempt which is not helping with my mood.
I am angry with D from the ARC as six weeks on I still haven’t got a copy of the relinquishment paper I signed and the only response I’ve had from her was over four weeks to let me know she was busy but would check the file again.
Anne had been told a few weeks ago that she should apply to court that dealt with the adoption to get a copy of the paper she signed. I then emailed D to see if I should do the same but she still hasn’t responded so I’m seriously thinking about getting legal advice on the matter. Anne has already done so and suggested I waited to see how she got on first as it may be useful for me to have some ammunition i.e. such as a good solicitor. I am also angry with Jane from After Adoption and M the social worker in Witham as well as D for not explaining my rights to me properly under the Data Protection Act. They have admitted that I have a right to any paper to do with the adoption that refers to me including the relinquishment paper but they are not being forthcoming about how I obtain a copy. I feel like I’m being treated like a child and also that as usual there is no consideration for my feelings as a mother who relinquished. It has been painful enough to go through all this without being made to feel my feelings are in inconsequential. How I feel is important instead of being made to feel like crap.
I am angry with my sister for all the lies she has told about me over the years particularly to my parents and Anthony. In her twisted mind she believes she has done nothing wrong yet I can prove she has told lies but it will only make us hate each other even more so there is no point.
I am angry with my parents for not telling me they had contact with Anthony and for not telling him where I was. They believe they were doing the right thing but nothing can be further from the truth and they were so wrong to not say anything.
I am angry with myself for emailing Anthony on the 8th August 2004 instead of preparing myself first. I am happy I found him but still angry with myself for not handling reunion better.
I am angry with my parents for putting so much pressure on me to have Anthony adopted but even more angry with myself to be persuaded. I am angry with the social worker who dealt with the adoption for lying to me about supporting me to keep Anthony. Instead of stopping the adoption she told my parents what I wanted to do so they piled on even more pressure. Why couldn’t I find the strength to stand up to them for once in my life? I am even sadder that I lost all those years that I could have been his mother, to care for him, love him, then watch him spread his wings and fly.
I am angry with myself for standing in the black tunnel – if I stay put or walk backwards it stays black but I need to find the faith and courage to walk towards the light. Those who are Christians (if they read this) will understand what I mean by this.
Why am I allowing myself to be so angry, bitter and twisted?
*I had needed to vent and this was the only way I felt I could do so. It needed to be done to help me move on. It was the first time I had shown any real anger towards Anthony’s adoption. I tried letting my parents know how I felt but they have never acknowledged how I feel. Even today I still feel frustrated that they will never talk about it.