22nd May 2005
Feel better for venting the other night and know I need to do something constructive to sort myself out. I will have to be more patient about getting the copy of the relinquishment paper but I just wish I knew what was going on. At the moment I can’t understand why D is ignoring my last email so am thing about emailing M about the matter. My logic is that if I do that I feel like I’m doing something while waiting for Anne’s solicitor to get back to her. It has stressed me out more that there are cases of mothers who relinquished that didn’t actually sign the paper so therefore the adoption wasn’t completed so therefore their children are still legally theirs. It doesn’t give back the lost years though and they have got to come to terms with this but at the end of the day I need this hole in my memory filled in. I feel so frustrated that the people who can help aren’t and they don’t seem to realize how important it is to me – thank goodness there are other mothers who relinquished do understand as they are going through the same.
I am going to have to come to terms that I will never get through to my sister how much emotional damage she has done to me. She will never admit that she has done wrong and for my own sanity I will not confront her about it. The same goes for my parents as they are convinced they did what they thought was best for me. I must keep rising above this and show I am a better person for this. All the same I do need to be able to talk how I am feeling as I feel like a volcano ready to explode. My problem is finding the right person who will discuss my feelings with me and challenge me why I am going through all these emotions. I have to work through my anger for my own sanity.
*It had taken reunion for me to finally get to this point. The anger I was feeling scared me at times as it was sheer rage. I didn’t want to take this out on anybody so was thankful that I could write down exactly how I was feeling.