7th August 2005
Have been feeling really down the last couple of days and don’t I know it that Rick is back to his usual insensitive self. I have tried talking to him about how I’m feeling but we are back to ‘leave it in God’s hands’, ‘God isn’t telling him I should be talking to him about my feelings’, ‘I shouldn’t rely on my feelings …. no need to talk about them as they are in God’s hands’. Yesterday I got so upset that I got annoyed with Rick so lost my temper. What makes it worse is he still claims he’s heard it all before and I can’t get through to him that he hasn’t as he hasn’t been told what’s really going on in my head. We have the hospital appointment tomorrow and I got so exasperated with Rick that there is no point going as he refuses to talk about anything that is important to me. I even went to the extent of saying we can’t try to have children as he ‘doesn’t see the point’ in talking about anything till it happens. My response was in that case we couldn’t go to the appointment if we didn’t communicate in the first place. Needed to vent again …. just wish I could give Rick a ‘sensitivity transplant’ as he doesn’t realize how nasty he can be at times.
Finally got to the bottom of why Rick won’t listen to me when I try talking to him about how I’m feeling when I am feeling low/depressed. Rick told me he doesn’t know how to deal with this as I’ve always been the strong one (emotionally) and doesn’t think he can be strong emotionally for me. J and Pastor have both told him I don’t expect him to be ‘strong’ for me or to have any answers and that I just need someone to listen to me then for us to pray then leave it in God’s hands. I told him that they are spot on about that so he did listen to me. It felt so good to be able to talk about a couple of things that are making me unhappy such as my parents silence. Even better that he listened carefully so once I had my say I was happy to change the subject.