31st August 2005
Struggling still with how I feel about Anthony putting his dad’s name on the family tree and I am confused as to why I feel like this. Up until now I felt he should do this but now he has I feel weird about it. I am having a bit of “time out” with Empty Arms although Joan doesn’t want me to rush into leaving the group just yet. She and the others want me to work through why I am emotionally wrecked at the moment but I can’t just yet. I am frightened of completely losing it emotionally and I don’t want to have to deal with that right now or even ever. It’s not just the ‘not talking’ about Anthony for 23 years it’s also about having to deal with how I feel about my dysfunctional family. Since I was 12 years old they have really getting to me over their attitude towards me and expecting me to keep their secrets yet expecting me to be completely honest with them. I have had to deal with them having a low opinion of me, thinking I’m a waste of space, that I’m worthless and a liar. It infuriates me as my sister is the liar yet she has always got away with it and my parents won’t have it that she lies. I think they are just sad people at times that they can’t accept reality over certain issues.