Hurtful Contact

31st July 2010

We were regularly receiving mail for Anthony which were mostly to do with his job search. I was scanning these in and emailing them to him on the days we were receiving them. This wasn’t good enough for him so I had to be firm with him that these were being dealt with as soon as I could. Anthony didn’t seem to quite believe this but I refused to tolerate his rudeness. Sometimes the letters were in reference to interviews and often at short notice. A couple of times Rick spoke to Anthony about this as he wasn’t happy with the bad attitude either. We weren’t happy that Anthony wasn’t informing potential employees about his change of address either.

A number of rejection letters started coming through so I forwarded these on. I didn’t see the point of scanning them in then emailing them. Some of the letters were to do with test results as Anthony was applying for D.W.P. (Department of Works and Pensions) jobs. He then started complaining I wasn’t getting these off to him quickly enough. I had to politely put him in his place about these as well. Ultimately it wasn’t my fault Anthony wasn’t being honest that he moved when attending the test appointments.

Anthony also put me through a moral dilemma of giving my name out for a reference. On two occasions I was emailed to give him a reference so after the first one I emailed him. I didn’t want to put my foot in it when returning them so needed to know what he had said. It wasn’t that I minded returning the references which were very basics ones where I needed to answer simple questions. What bothered me is that we are related even though I am not legally his mother. I felt that I was in a no win situation that if I was honest about our relationship he would be angry. On the other hand I’m not happy for being put in that situation as it makes me feel dishonest.

During this time I received one of his nasty one line emails. This time he accused me of being a liar which is nothing new, being inconsistent and a disappointment to him. I had been used to this before Anthony moved in as he always did this when he was angry. Despite being very hurt I responded with a very polite email back. I reminded Anthony that he had consistently lied to both myself and Rick since the start of reunion. That I couldn’t trust him because of the constant lies nor had I lied to him. I also pointed out that I had always been consistent with him whereas he hadn’t due to his lies. From there I mentioned what Anthony had put us through whilst living with us yet we had put up with it. I had no hesitation of reminding him of his poor hygiene, the appalling state of his bedroom, his rudeness, arrogance and lack of respect for both of us. As for the being a disappointment to him I couldn’t be bothered commenting on that. I ended the email stating that unless he could be polite to me I didn’t want to hear from him.

Contact continued until the end of June then there was silence. It wasn’t unusual for Anthony to be quiet for weeks on end as he had been like that when he was in Canada. I sent a card and present for his birthday but still didn’t hear anything back. A few weeks later I sent an email although I didn’t get a response back as I expected.


About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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