10th September 2010

“Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-8

Why does life have to be so hard all of the time?

For me it’s seems that life has been hard emotionally for so many years that it is hard to remember any carefree times.  Sometimes I wish a magic wand could take me back to some point before I was 12 years old when I didn’t have any real worries.  There were times when I would fall out with friends but we always made up.  It’s only as an adult that I appreciate how special times were back then.  It’s the good memories that I remember not the bad or not so good.

I grew up before my time when my sister was made to have an abortion.  At the time I don’t think my parents knew the damage they did but not talking about it with me.  On top of that they put on pressure as they wanted me to tell them everything my sister told me and what she was up to.  My sister wanted me to keep her informed what my parents were saying to me so I felt like I was being pulled in two directions.  I wanted to be loyal to all of them but I felt I couldn’t.  So instead I went in on myself and was very careful what I said to my parents and to my sister.

As the years went by the harder it was to talk about anything that was important.  I was shy anyway so that combined with the pressure to keep family business private nobody ever really knew the real me.  Even today I only let people in so far.  Add living two lives that don’t cross over or at least very rarely makes living interesting.  Most of the time I live my normal life to the outside world and my adoption life is generally kept behind closed doors.  Even with family and friends it’s not talked about.

As a teen I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody about how I was feeling as all I seemed to be doing was trying to keep everybody else happy.  The two good things to come out of this were I am a good listener and I can keep secrets.  I still wish I could have trusted to talk to at least one person though when I was pregnant.  If I had I do believe I would have raised my son.

I have suffered with depression since my times which I believe stems back to when my sister’s abortion and none of us talking about it.  Instead over the years I have bottled everything up which isn’t healthy.  I know what the problem is yet I still have problems about talking over anything that is bothering me.


About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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