Wanting to be loved

26th November 2010

It’s good to feel so contented with life in general.  Even the bad weather has dampened my mood and the dogs love the snow.  Just wish they didn’t think it’s fun to play whilst on the lead but we can’t have everything.  Today I took a photograph of the local church as it looks even more beautiful with the snow covering it.

Life can never get completely be ‘normal’ for me again yet I am happy enough.  Nothing can reverse the past 29 years but I can at last feel free from the chains that held me down for so long.  I am not even sure when my parents invisible grip loosened on me to finally feel free, really free.  They are elderly and their health is poor so yes I do care about that.  Part of me also feels detached as if my past belongs to a different person.  I know it is just because I can now be completely me instead of what my parents wanted me to be.

Being back up north has helped as I feel like I’m finally back home.  It must be something in the blood as I know my dad’s side of the family was originally from Co. Durham.  I had never lived outside of Essex until after Rick and I got married which was also the same for him.  It took us years to find the place that we feel settled in.  Although we both regret moving from Hartlepool it took doing that for both of us to realize where we really wanted to be.  On one hand we have the luxury of being in a village and on the coast which is incredibly beautiful as it’s unspoilt.  It’s due to not being a tourist attraction so an added bonus.  On the other hand it still has enough shops in the village that when the weather is bad or if we were both poorly that we could survive.  The nearest town centre is also in walking distance which is handy.

Even reunion has felt like a dream at times.  It seems hard to believe at times that I found Anthony over 6 years ago when we were living in Hartlepool.  At times it has been intense and that Anthony has had almost unhealthy grip on me where he wanted to be in control all the time.  I couldn’t and can’t give him what he wants as his expectations have been unrealistic.  I could never be a mumsy type mother as that’s not me.  I grew up with parents who rarely showed me any real affection, it usually felt like they were going through the motions.  I know that in their own way that they do love me but there has always been a communication problem between us.  I also felt like they expected too much from me.  All I ever wanted was to be loved yet it wasn’t very often that I felt loved.  The times I did were when I was extremely distressed or upset.  One of my mum’s rare moments of making me feel loved was when I received the letter from Anthony’s adoptive mother and I sobbed my heart out.  I always felt more loved by my dad.

I don’t know if Anthony will ever accept me for whom I am.  He has never understood my dry sense of humour which I inherited from my parents.  That maybe one of the reasons why he found it hard to connect with my parents as it does run through the family.  I also have a wicked sense of humour and love practical jokes which he never really ‘got’ or found funny.  In a way it just made situations even funnier without meaning to sound cruel.  It’s not meant to be and sad that he couldn’t see the humour in situations that everybody else could see.  It was such a strain trying to be somebody I wasn’t.  I still can’t see Anthony ever wanting contact again but I can’t keep trying.  A little bit of it is fear that Anthony will try and take legal action against me on imagined ‘wrongs.’  I really don’t see how we can have any kind of relationship unless he can come to terms with being adopted, that I can’t change that past and he moves on with his life.


About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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2 Responses to Wanting to be loved

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  2. Kathie says:

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