28th February 2011

Emotionally things have come to a head again for me and I have struggled over the past week or so.  It got so bad that it back some bad memories for me but this time I have thought more about these instead pushing them away.  I need to deal with the bad memories, cry when I need to then deal with it.  The bad memories have hung round my neck like noose ready to tighten every time I have a bad day.  I thought distancing myself from my family would help but it hasn’t really completely helped as they are still my family.  Over the last few years I have had health problems which are inherited (genetic?) and I do know this information.  A couple of times I haven’t known or can’t remember so have asked in letters to my parents.  The latest is asking about glaucoma and as expected I still haven’t had a response back.  It is so frustrating as I don’t know if my parents have received the wedding anniversary card and letter or if they have written a letter back.  Over the years several letters have gone missing and I can’t help having a very suspicious mind as I can understand one or two going missing but not as many that have between us.  My suspicious wonder if my sister has had anything to do with it.

Last night I was having problems sleeping so was still awake in the earlier hours of the morning.  I allowed myself to cry which did help as I was feeling sad.  I tried to remember good times with my mum when it was just the two of us together.  Sadly I couldn’t remember many.  Passing my driving test was one of those moments even though she had expected me to fail.  When I got in after the test I was so surprised that I passed that all I could manage to say to my mum was that I was home.  She assumed I had failed until I passed her the paper stating I had passed.  For once she was genuinely happy, gave me a hug, rang me dad at work then shoved the telephone into my hand so I could tell him.  The times my mum showed that she cared was usually when I was upset to the point of being distressed so those memories are tinged with sadness.  One of those times was when I received a letter from Anthony’s adoptive parents thanking me for surrendering him.  I cannot explain the absolute despair, pain or the deeper primal feelings I felt ay that moment.  I couldn’t speak and all I could do was cry for what seemed to be an eternity.  My mum just kept on hugging me until I stopped crying.  Nothing was said between us then or since about that day.

I need a break but will come back to this.


About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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