28th February 2011
Emotionally things have come to a head again for me and I have struggled over the past week or so. It got so bad that it back some bad memories for me but this time I have thought more about these instead pushing them away. I need to deal with the bad memories, cry when I need to then deal with it. The bad memories have hung round my neck like noose ready to tighten every time I have a bad day. I thought distancing myself from my family would help but it hasn’t really completely helped as they are still my family. Over the last few years I have had health problems which are inherited (genetic?) and I do know this information. A couple of times I haven’t known or can’t remember so have asked in letters to my parents. The latest is asking about glaucoma and as expected I still haven’t had a response back. It is so frustrating as I don’t know if my parents have received the wedding anniversary card and letter or if they have written a letter back. Over the years several letters have gone missing and I can’t help having a very suspicious mind as I can understand one or two going missing but not as many that have between us. My suspicious wonder if my sister has had anything to do with it.
Last night I was having problems sleeping so was still awake in the earlier hours of the morning. I allowed myself to cry which did help as I was feeling sad. I tried to remember good times with my mum when it was just the two of us together. Sadly I couldn’t remember many. Passing my driving test was one of those moments even though she had expected me to fail. When I got in after the test I was so surprised that I passed that all I could manage to say to my mum was that I was home. She assumed I had failed until I passed her the paper stating I had passed. For once she was genuinely happy, gave me a hug, rang me dad at work then shoved the telephone into my hand so I could tell him. The times my mum showed that she cared was usually when I was upset to the point of being distressed so those memories are tinged with sadness. One of those times was when I received a letter from Anthony’s adoptive parents thanking me for surrendering him. I cannot explain the absolute despair, pain or the deeper primal feelings I felt ay that moment. I couldn’t speak and all I could do was cry for what seemed to be an eternity. My mum just kept on hugging me until I stopped crying. Nothing was said between us then or since about that day.
I need a break but will come back to this.