More memories

28th February 2011

I have never had a close relationship with my mother.  At times I used to be envious of my friends for having such good relationships with their mothers.  It was almost as if something was missing between and I don’t know what.  As I got older I was constantly being compared with my sister.  I couldn’t be like her.  She is outgoing, popular, an extrovert, she finds it easy to socialize.  I am shy, introverted, find it difficult to talk to people I don’t know well.  Of course my self esteem and confidence took a bashing over the years because nothing I did was ever good enough to please my mum.  I just didn’t know what to do to make it right between us so I put on a mask and pretended all was good with the world.  The reality was I felt very isolated because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody and open up about my feelings.  My friends could talk to my mum so that just made me feel even more of a freak.  I was convinced there was something wrong with me that stopped me from having any positive feelings towards my mum.  I love her because she is my mum and she raised me but I also wish I felt loved by her.  All I want is a hug from her.  It’s not ever going to happen now as there is too much water under the bridge.

Now how I feel about my dad is different but even my relationship has been damaged first by Anthony being adopted then when I fell out with my family in 1999.  I always instinctively knew I was loved by my dad.  He gave me hugs when I needed them and wiped away the tears.  My dad would stick up for me when my mum would wrongly accuse me of doing something when I hadn’t.  I miss my dad so much and wish I could grab back the relationship we once had.  I am thankful that I was able to tell my dad how much I loved him in 1998 when he was ill in hospital.  I miss being able to see him when I want, I miss our chats, I miss watching sport with him and talking about music and books.  I miss being being my dad’s little girl.

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About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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