28th February 2011
I have never had a close relationship with my mother. At times I used to be envious of my friends for having such good relationships with their mothers. It was almost as if something was missing between and I don’t know what. As I got older I was constantly being compared with my sister. I couldn’t be like her. She is outgoing, popular, an extrovert, she finds it easy to socialize. I am shy, introverted, find it difficult to talk to people I don’t know well. Of course my self esteem and confidence took a bashing over the years because nothing I did was ever good enough to please my mum. I just didn’t know what to do to make it right between us so I put on a mask and pretended all was good with the world. The reality was I felt very isolated because I felt like I couldn’t talk to anybody and open up about my feelings. My friends could talk to my mum so that just made me feel even more of a freak. I was convinced there was something wrong with me that stopped me from having any positive feelings towards my mum. I love her because she is my mum and she raised me but I also wish I felt loved by her. All I want is a hug from her. It’s not ever going to happen now as there is too much water under the bridge.
Now how I feel about my dad is different but even my relationship has been damaged first by Anthony being adopted then when I fell out with my family in 1999. I always instinctively knew I was loved by my dad. He gave me hugs when I needed them and wiped away the tears. My dad would stick up for me when my mum would wrongly accuse me of doing something when I hadn’t. I miss my dad so much and wish I could grab back the relationship we once had. I am thankful that I was able to tell my dad how much I loved him in 1998 when he was ill in hospital. I miss being able to see him when I want, I miss our chats, I miss watching sport with him and talking about music and books. I miss being being my dad’s little girl.