On a downer

6th May 2011

Today I am on a very bad downer and haven’t felt so low since just before Christmas.  I think it a dream that triggered it this time.  In the dream my aunt by marriage turned up unexpectedly so we invited her to stay for lunch. The house or flat in my dream wasn’t one I recognized but I was at ease and knew where everything was.  The conversation was on general subjects and at the end of the meal my uncle turned up.  Rick mentioned what was said by my niece and aunt (uncle’s wife).  My uncle told us not to worry about it, that it would be forgotten about soon enough.  I burst into tears and told him that things had happened in the past that he didn’t know about or only heard one side of events.  At that point I woke up.  I was unsettled by the dream which had seemed weird to me anyway as my aunt and uncle looked like they did about 30 years ago.

I’m finding it difficult to concentrate on anything for long nor can I really settle.   If I am completely honest with myself I am also upset that Anthony hasn’t acknowledged my email or letter.  I don’t expect him to suddenly like me again or want contact.  On the other hand it wouldn’t have killed him to let me that he received my email or letter.  Part of me is a little confused anyway as Anthony led me to believe that he hadn’t had contact with my sister for a while when we were on talking times.  It wasn’t true and there had been some contact even if it was only by text messages.  It hurts a bit that I was constantly being accused of lying yet every so often more lies of his are coming to the surface.  It also makes me wonder how much contact Anthony really has had over the years with my parents.  The longer the silence goes on the less I believe Anthony will get back in touch.


About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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