19th November 2011
What happened next I consider my dark years. My whole world crashed around me and I simply didn’t know how to deal with it. I had lost trust in my parents so could no longer trust anybody. After all I couldn’t trust them therefore I couldn’t trust other people. I quickly learned to put on a happy face and not talk about anything I wasn’t happy about. It was quite soul destroying but I couldn’t let my guard down. I stopped letting anybody get close to me emotionally and I would keep boyfriends at arms length. If the relationship started getting serious I would split from the boyfriend. I had this deep rooted fear that I would fall pregnant again then be pressured into surrendering again even though I was using contraception. To the outside world I was a strong person and at times I was teased by friends that I was an ice maiden. I would laugh about it yet inside I was constantly hurting. The emotional pain was so bad that it became a physical pain. On bad days I would be bad tempered and sometimes I would have bad migraines.
I can’t remember exactly when I started self harming except it was in my 20′s. Usually I used scissors or knives to cut my arms and stomach. It was never bad enough to be hospitalised and I was good at hiding wounds on my arms which were never too bad or I would make excuses. I have been accident prone all my life so it was easy to come out with lines such I had turned round and walked into a filling cabinet. I still occasionally tried to overdose with tablets but never took enough to do any damaged.
Although I had good friends I became very lonely and isolated. All my friends were getting married or in long term relationships so if I went out with them it was usually to parties or to the pub. I had even started going on holiday on my own as it was the only time I came close to being my old self. Even then I was too scared to be myself. I came close to having a complete breakdown in my late twenties. I couldn’t bear being at work being around people yet I couldn’t stand being at home alone. By this time I was living on my own so felt even more isolated. I felt like a freak and couldn’t rationalise how to change my life. I don’t know how I managed not to end my life then as I felt I didn’t have anything to live from. The thought that my son may want to know me was something I couldn’t allow myself to hope for. I had been told I would never be allowed to search for him and he would probably be too happy to search for me. That wasn’t strictly true as I could start searching for my son once he turned 18 and nobody could predict how he would feel.