17th November 2011
Yesterday was a bad day so bad that I felt like I did back in August 2005 when I hit rock bottom. That was the first time I had the courage to take control of how I was feeling. Rick wanted me to give it all over to God – we’re both Christians – but I knew if I didn’t I would have committed even if it took more than one attempt. He gave in and agreed to go to the doctor with me. It was such a relief to be able to talk and be taken seriously. The doctor told me straight away that I was severely depressed and prescribed anti depressants.
Me suffering from depression dates back to my teens. The trigger was my sister being pressured into having an abortion when she was 15 years old and I was 12 years old. I have bad memories of this time as my sister had told me she was pregnant before she told our parents. After she told them they were angry with me for not telling them. The decision was made for her to have an abortion and the situation was never talked about. After this I was caught between my sister and my parents. She wanted to know everything they said about her and my parents wanted me to report back to them about what my sister was up to. I didn’t want to be stuck in the middle so withdrew into myself and was cautious about what I said to all of them.
I didn’t even realize I was becoming depressed. Instead I was accused of becoming a moody teenager and attention seeking. This just made me feel worse as time went by. There were a couple of times I tried to take too many paracetamols but stopped because I was scared. I felt confused that I felt the way that I did. Life nose dived when I found out that I was pregnant.