22nd November 2011
I knew right from the start that Rick suffered with depression yet it was something I could deal with. Dealing with how others feel has always been much easier for me to deal with than my own. His depression started after his dad died when he was 14 years old. Rick thought I was a very laid back person as a rule but also knew I had a quick temper. It was easy for me to put on a front as I had been doing so for 12 years by this point. Being suicidal and self harming continued usually when we argued. The cycle continued until 2004 when I found Anthony five days after his 23rd birthday.
Rick and I decided to do our family trees so I joined up with Genes Reunited. Within minutes of putting basic information in the tree was matched with another member. Some of the information was wrong so that gave me good reason to contact him. Half an hour later I realized it was Anthony and that unlocked my emotions. I have never felt so much rage before this moment or after reunion settled down. I do believe that the rage I felt at the time helped me to keep going. My pain also intensified along with shame, guilt and anger. There aren’t any words I can use to describe exactly how I felt at this time. I even felt despair and felt that I was reliving being 19 years old again as Anthony wanted to know so much in a short space of time. He wanted to talk to me constantly on messenger. I was happy Anthony wanted to but on the other hand I was struggling with my own emotions. What didn’t help was that I found out Anthony had found my family quite quickly in 1999 after he turned 18. They in effect lied to him for almost five years by telling him they didn’t know where I was. I was absolutely furious with them. I had fallen out with my family in early 1999 as I was sick to death of being accused of doing things i hadn’t done, usually of lying. I got back in touch with my parents in late 2001 so they didn’t have any excuse.
At the time I couldn’t let my parents know how angry I was as I would have let rip. It took me years to forgive them. It wasn’t healthy to be so angry yet I couldn’t see that at the time.