The nag squad

Rick is having to deal with more people nagging him about his diet.  He isn’t happy but as I keep pointing out that if we didn’t care we wouldn’t keep on at him.

Early this week Rick went to see the doctor as he has been suffering chest pain when we are out and about. He had an ECG done, blood test done and chest x-ray done.  Rick has an appointment on Monday to find out what’s going on.

Recently I had a check up with reference to my high blood pressure.  The result of the blood test came back as 7 for blood sugar level.  On Thursday I went to have another fasting blood test, had to drink a sweet drink then go back for another blood test.  The nurse thinks I am probably border line diabetic and wants to make certain it isn’t anything worse.   It has given me the kick up the backside I needed to improve my diet.  Just wish I could get through to Rick.

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Easter week cont.

Wednesday evening’s meeting being based on the 14 stations was new for us.  It is something that Roman Catholics do.  The history of the 14 stations of the cross is this:

http://www.communityofhopeinc.org/wayofthecross/History.htm

The Stations of the Cross are a Catholic devotion which commemorates the Passion and death of our Lord Jesus Christ. Each of the fourteen stations represents an event which occurred during Jesus’ Passion and death at Calvary on Good Friday.

 The Stations were originally performed many centuries ago by Christian pilgrims who visited the Holy Land and the sites of Jesus’ Passion. Promotion of the devotion to the Stations began in earnest with the Franciscans, who were given custody of the Holy Places in the Holy Land in the 1300s. Countless Catholics have all enriched their spiritual lives with this powerful devotion.

The Stations of the Cross, also called The Way of the Cross, is a devotion to the passion of Christ consisting of prayers and meditations on fourteen occurrences that were experienced by Christ on His way to the crucifixion. During the time of the crusades (1095-1270), it became popular for pilgrims in the Holy Land to walk in the footsteps of Jesus to Calvary. After the Moslims recaptured the Holy Land pilgrimages were too dangerous. As a result, the Stations of the Cross became a popular substitute pilgrimage throughout Europe. The Stations represented critical events from Scripture or tradition of Jesus’ journey to Calvary. Originally done only outdoors, the Stations were allowed inside churches in the mid-18th century. Eventually fixed at fourteen, the Stations soon became a familiar feature in all Catholic churches. The devotion may be conducted personally by the faithful, making their way from one station to another and saying the prayers, or by having an officiating celebrant move from cross to cross while the faithful make the responses. The stations themselves must consist of, at the very least, fourteen wooden crosses, pictures alone do not suffice, and they must be blessed by someone with the authority to erect stations.

These days the practise is to have 14 pictures on the church and walk up to, or in the case of small churches face, the pictures and pray.  It is symbolic of the original walk rather than worshiping idols.

Thursday was Maunday Thursday and the student minister took the service at Auckland Park.  It is a quaint little church and perfect for the service.  I liked the fact that there wasn’t one spare seat.  It was a lovely service which he got absolutely spot on.  After the service was a faith meal which rounded the evening off.

Yesterday we started off with the service in our church, the other churches likewise.  We all came together for a short service at the band stand in town.  Hot cross buns and leaflets were handed out as well.  David from St John’s said that it was good that so many Christians had come out again despite the weather (snowing).  He had appreciated so many of us turning up Tuesday even though the weather was bad.  There was coffee, tea and hot cross buns in St John’s afterwards.

It has been a good week although we were exhausted by yesterday.  We have kept up with doing our usual volunteering during the week plus gone to all the meetings.  We had been asked if we were going to the march in the valley (Eldon) yesterday but we were too tired.  It was important to us that we had gone to all the services.  The last ones are tomorrow afternoon.  This will be for the resurrection of Jesus which is as important as the rest.  The others had led up to the last supper and crucifixion of Christ who died for our sins.  The resurrection is Jesus living again and rising to heaven.

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Easter week

Today is the third day into daily services.  Monday evening was at the Salvation Army which was quite an upbeat service for them.  Last night was at St John’s which is an Anglican church and again a good service.  David, the minister there, read out a meditation instead of giving a sermon.  I don’t know the proper name for it but will refer to it as Broken World.  He had pictures up as well, each one with Jesus and cross in them.  It was very appropriate to the world we live in today.  Tonight is at St Thomas Catholic Church where we haven’t been to before so hope the service keeps up with the good services so far.

It has been a tiring week though as we have been doing our usual things at the church hall plus one extra duty.  We are now on the cleaning rota for the chapel now so our first time was on Monday.  On Friday we have a break from lunch club but there is a 1o am service at our church followed by an 11am meeting at the band stand in town.  Saturday will be our one day of rest.

Matthew 26:17-30

King James Version (KJV)

17 Now the first day of the feast of unleavened bread the disciples came to Jesus, saying unto him, Where wilt thou that we prepare for thee to eat the passover?

18 And he said, Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.

19 And the disciples did as Jesus had appointed them; and they made ready the passover.

20 Now when the even was come, he sat down with the twelve.

21 And as they did eat, he said, Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.

22 And they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I?

23 And he answered and said, He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me.

24 The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.

25 Then Judas, which betrayed him, answered and said, Master, is it I? He said unto him, Thou hast said.

26 And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and brake it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body.

27 And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it;

28 For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.

29 But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.

30 And when they had sung an hymn, they went out into the mount of Olives.

 

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Tiredness, depression, the will to live….

I hate being depressed and toll it takes on me.  It’s not just the emotional side it’s also the physical side as well.  It’s not so bad when I get a good night’s sleep even though I feel drowsy from about midday.  Sometimes I have a bad night so I wake up with a stiff neck and feel over tired.

During the past few days we have also had problems with a new member on the depression forums.  The first time he joined up he swore in the space for additional information.  In the space of an hour and a half he sent two abusive emails and an abusive message through the contact page.  Unfortunately I have the admin email on my outlook so I was the one who read them.  I sent a polite email stating we ask for the information and that it is kept private to the member and admin.  After that I had one more email from him still being abusive.  He then went on to rejoin overnight and filled in the details correctly.  I approved the second account as I had thought he had calmed down.

Friday being my busy day I didn’t have a chance to go onto the forums until later on.  I found it hard to concentrate due to a bad tummy ache,  About 9 pm I went to bed as I felt so rough.  Over an hour later Rick rang me up as one of our moderators had rung up due to the member putting angry, abusive posts on the forums so he had removed them but couldn’t ban the member as only admin can.  He also let the member know by private message then got abusive private messages back.

I got up and read four more posts, two just came across as angry, the other two were abusive.  These were all removed as all four were attacking and I banned the member, I also kept the two abusive posts.  It is just wearing me down now and not helping my self esteem.  What makes it sad is that I do believe this member is severely depressed and needs support but being abusive is the wrong way to get help.

He knows the police have been involved as the officer sent him an email which included being told he could be arrested if he carried.  I was also accused of not having a backbone and referred to as a bitch.  There have been veiled threats aimed at me, the moderator and members in general.  He gives off the impression that he is above the law and can get away with making threats.

When the police officer was here on Friday afternoon Rick and I agreed that we just wanted the person to get help and to back off with the threats.  It’s just made the situation worse.  I don’t want to cause this person any more distress because he is clearly depressed but on the other hand he needs to understand that threatening people is wrong.  He doesn’t understand (or believe) that he has distressed me or made my depression worse.

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The joy of snow

I am at the stage of being fed up of the snow.  Last Sunday I slipped which hasn’t helped my mood lately although fortunately I was only bruised.   A positive is last night was the best night’s sleep I have had for a long time.  I take Amitriptyline which I have been increasing on a weekly basis so I’m now taking 50mg nightly.  It is a relief that something is finally working for me.  I feel like a walking pharmacist though with all the medication I have to take.

Depression is still hitting me hard and I simply hiding it from the world on a daily basis.  Each day that passes is a day closer to the day I die as I don’t have the courage to take my own life.

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It’s been a while….

… since I have posted here.  I have wanted too, then retreated back due to a loss of words.  It’s been an odd sort of year one way and another.  Life went downhill at the church we were attending and we left under a cloud.  I vowed I wouldn’t go back under any circumstances due to the elders of the church being in the wrong and I was owed an apology.  None of them will have tried shifting them blame but they admitted they were wrong to say what they did to me.  Rick was on a complete downer because of them but eventually got back on track.

We started going to  another church which we are now settled in and far more involved which includes helping with the lunch club on a Friday.  Both of us have been accepted for who we are and there isn’t any pressure to do anything although we like being involved.  It is part of our daily life because we have got to know so many people that life in general is much happier.

A dark time was the first of two articles written which made me feel very depressed.  Anthony didn’t help by being cruel and he is still in deep denial of his issues.  The journalist is convinced he is a fantasist and completely under the thumb.  She said it’s as if he wants to draw a line under his past life and wants to create a new life.  The fact that he told her her has three degrees now yet she knows he was lying about having  two degrees before as I had told her that.  Anthony is taking bigger and bigger risks with the more lies he tells and risks a humiliating fall if he doesn’t stop.  I love him very much but I’m at a point that I cannot pick the pieces any more for someone who will only chuck it all back at me the next time he is unhappy.  I  can’t take it emotionally any more and it took all my strength not to give up on life after the article.

The past few months have been up and down for me with depression.  Coming up for Christmas has been difficult.  My sister sent me pictures of my great nieces and great nephew recently.  Two of the pictures had my dad in them which I love.  My youngest great niece was born two days before my birthday.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  We are busy up to Christmas Day which includes going to church and Christmas Day morning then we get back to normal.  I am hoping and praying that 2013 is better than this year has been.

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Exhausted ….

It’s been an exhausting few days.  I have started helping out with the lunch club which is every Friday where we make a three course meal for the elderly.  Even though my back suffers I enjoy helping out as the ladies are lovely and it gets me out.  Saturday was a quiet day for us.  Yesterday we were at church twice.  As it was Remembrance Sunday the church service started at 10 am and ended at 10.45 am as Churches Together came together for the occasion by the Cenotaph.

It was good to be part of it this year as the church we were going to last year didn’t want anything to do with it nor did the elders really understand the meaning of the day.  They are South African so don’t really ‘get it’ but we still felt it was a lack of respect on their part as they are in England and a country that honours Remembrance Sunday.  It was lovely though yesterday seeing so many people there that wouldn’t normally be part of a church service.  A friend who still goes to that church came along and came back for lunch then went with us for the evening meeting.  He is seriously thinking about going there more regularly.  It is completely different where we go as the church members accept us for who we are and we are already members.  They are involving us in helping out with different things as well.  Today there was a funeral so I went along to help with the buffet.  We started at 10 am, the funeral was at 1.15 pm and by the time we got away it was 4 pm.  It has been a good day though as the family appreciated everything that was done.  Quite a few people we know were also at the funeral so we were all included.

Tonight I feel so tired, stiff and my ankles are aching   Earlier I was in so much pain as I was standing for so long.   Rick’s already been on about what he wants to do tomorrow so I’ve told him I’m not rushing out early in the morning.

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