Not a Good Enough Mother

Not a Good Enough Mother

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a mother,
A loving marriage to have in the future,
A future full of love, happiness and laughter,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

When I was older life was different to my dreams,
Single and pregnant I want to be a mother by any means,
Having a job and ready to be a mother wasn’t seen,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My parents were angry I couldn’t abort,
Not listening to what I thought,
The discussion that followed was very short,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

The adoption agency was coercive,
The trust I had at first short lived,
Frightened and alone without support,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My dream of being a mother swiftly dying,
At night alone in my bed crying,
Emotionally shutting down and sighing,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Life went on, the pain has never died,
Dreams never coming true of being a mother,
My emptiness I could only hide,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

My dream of meeting my son one day,
Came true, my fears began sway,
Could I now prove I could be a good mother?
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Happiness, sadness, depression and pain.
What else could I gain?
My son I love so much I can claim,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Dreams of happiness have been shattered,
My son expected a perfect mother,
I tried my best and yet could not do enough,
To my son I am not a good enough mother.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

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About Philippa

I am married to Rick and we live in a small town in County Durham. We have two dogs, a cat and two budgies. I am also an adoption survivor. In 1981 my son was born and I was then forced to surrender him. It took 23 years and reunion for my to find out that my son's adoption was legally known as a forced adoption and illegal but social workers got away with it because mothers didn't know their rights.
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