Not a Good Enough Mother

Not a Good Enough Mother

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a mother,
A loving marriage to have in the future,
A future full of love, happiness and laughter,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

When I was older life was different to my dreams,
Single and pregnant I want to be a mother by any means,
Having a job and ready to be a mother wasn’t seen,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My parents were angry I couldn’t abort,
Not listening to what I thought,
The discussion that followed was very short,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

The adoption agency was coercive,
The trust I had at first short lived,
Frightened and alone without support,
Never thought I would be not a good enough mother.

My dream of being a mother swiftly dying,
At night alone in my bed crying,
Emotionally shutting down and sighing,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Life went on, the pain has never died,
Dreams never coming true of being a mother,
My emptiness I could only hide,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

My dream of meeting my son one day,
Came true, my fears began sway,
Could I now prove I could be a good mother?
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Happiness, sadness, depression and pain.
What else could I gain?
My son I love so much I can claim,
Never thought I could be not a good enough mother.

Dreams of happiness have been shattered,
My son expected a perfect mother,
I tried my best and yet could not do enough,
To my son I am not a good enough mother.

Philippa Hope-Hornsey

Mood improving

12^th November 2013

My mood is finally improving slowly.  Having been depressed and stressed out for so long it’s good to finally feel better. 

What hasn’t helped me recently has been trying to sort out my meds due to waiting for my medical records through.  It got to the point that the receptionist we spoke to refused to put in a repeat and wouldn’t listen to me I tried to explain I was running out of meds.  We got an appointment for the following week with one of the doctors.  She listened and got it sorted out so now the repeats will be done automatically.  Boots do a scheme where people don’t have to order repeats from doctors and can just go straight to the pharmacy to pick it up.  

Severe depression again

26^th October 2013

I have been severely depressed due to our neighbour’s appalling behaviour so lost the heart to write.  It seemed like every time I went out in the garden he had to go out just to make me feel uncomfortable.   On one occasion he decided to start mowing his lawn at 7 am and started moaning about the state of our garden.  I wasn’t happy as I had had a bad night’s sleep.

The final straw came when I was standing on the door step watching the dogs.  He came out hurling abuse at me and I snapped and gave as good as I got.  Rick was furious went out then gave the neighbour a piece of his mind.  I was very upset and we had the police out.  The officer didn’t have time to talk to him so went the next day then gave us a knock.  The neighbour basically gave the same story so was warned not to talk to us. 

On the Friday we were back helping with the lunch club.  A member of our housing association intervention team came out to us and met us at the church hall.  He wasn’t happy with what had been going on as he knew the neighbour had been warned to leave us alone and not talk to us.  Now the police had been involved it gave the housing association good reason to take matters further. 

Unfortunately the neighbour still ignored every thing he was told such as keeping his dog under control.  He also insisted on walking through our garden instead of using the other neighbour’s garden. 

Neither of us could take any more so I put in bids for four properties.  Two weeks ago we looked at two and decided to take the one we have moved into.  On Monday we got the keys and moved in on the Tuesday.  We have been here just over a week and we are already feeling much better in ourselves.

Happy Birthday Anthony

3^rd August 2013

Happy Birthday Anthony

You were born 32 years ago today.  A day I will never forget not because of the joy of giving birth to a beautiful boy but because I knew I was on a losing battle to keep.
Other mothers were filled with happiness.  I was filled with sadness.
Other mothers smiled.  I cried.
Other mothers looked forward to taking their babies home.  I felt like I had no future.
No words can explain how I truly felt over the years.  Anger kept me going.  It wasn’t healthy.  Depression came close to killing me a few times over the years.  I felt that I had nothing to live for.  I wasn’t a ‘good enough mother’ to be encouraged to raise you.  Yet I was a ‘good enough aunt’ to look after your cousins, spend time with them and take them out.  What was the difference?
If I wasn’t ‘good enough’ to be a mother to you why was I a ‘good enough’ aunt to them?
When I found you it was a day of relief, happiness, joy and answer to prayer that you were alive and well.  It also meant I couldn’t keep buried the feelings of despair, anger, pain, hurt, sadness and heartache that I had felt for 23 years.  I wanted to believe you when you told me that your wanted a relationship with me.  I believed you when you told me you wanted me to acknowledge that I am your mother and that you are my son.  I took it all when you were having a bad day.  I kept quiet when you blamed me for what was wrong in your life.  Or I would gently reason with you that I couldn’t erase the pain.  I put up with you accusing me of doing and saying what you had done or said.  That was until I had had enough of it and would proof I hadn’t done or said what you accused me off.
None of this stopped me or Rick taking you in when you had nowhere else to go.  It was the dream I never thought would happen.  I didn’t want to replace your other mother I just wanted to enjoy being a mother to you for a short time.
I (and Rick) put up with the lies you told even though we would tell you we knew what lies you told.
We put up with you disrespecting our boundaries.
We put up with you throwing your toys out of the pram ever time things didn’t go your way.
We looked after you when you were ill and tried to help with your issues by getting appropriate mental health help.
What, then, did I do so wrong?
Did I love you too much?
Did I make the mistake of standing up to you when you behaved badly or lied?
Were we wrong to not to let you split us up?
Were we so very wrong to try and help you feel better?
What was it about me that you decided I’m not a good enough mother?
Why did you live with us so long as you believe I’m not a good enough mother and not worthy of being a grandmother to your son or step grandmother to your step daughter?
Will the day ever come that you will stop thinking of your own pain?
Does it ever stop me from loving you?
No it doesn’t.  I will always love you, happy birthday son.    

Mot a good enough mother

16^th July 2013

Have had several bad days and nothing I do is cheering me up.  Usually when my mood is low I try to keep busy to take my mood off that.  What isn’t helping is knowing people who are going to be grandmothers, are grandmothers now or just become great grandmothers.  It’s hard enough dealing with the knowledge that I am not a good enough mother for my son.  It hurts even more not being allowed to know my grandson’s name let alone when he was born.  If I had done something to deserve this treatment I could accept it.  Instead I am being punished for trying to help my son, loving him, giving him a roof over his head when he needed and put up with accusation of imagined wrongs.  I am even being punished for proving that I am innocent of the imagined wrongs.

Feeling down

It feels like a vicious circle at the moment.  Some days are better than others but even on my good days something sets me off.  It doesn’t help having a neighbour from hell whose latest tactic is stand at his back when I’m in the back garden.  He stands there glaring at me so I feel uncomfortable then come in.  I only go out in the garden when I absolutely have to now.  He usually watches me when I am clearing up after the dogs.  If I hanging up washing or getting it in I see him go into his garden so I come straight back again.   

Every day I am battling with suicidal thoughts and don’t know how long I can cope with this.  The downward spiral is getting harder to live with.  I don’t have anybody I talk to as Rick knows how I am feeling.  It depresses me even more trying to talk to him.

Neighbour behaving badly

We recently found out that Rick does suffer with angina and one of his arteries has lost 30% activity.  This means more tablets and spray plus Rick getting the ‘lose weight’ and ‘quit smoking’ lectures.  We have been under stress for a couple of months which hasn’t helped.

On one of our forums there were attacking posts towards two of us which caused knee jerk reactions.  The ones that started it apologized but the other person wouldn’t let the matter drop.  To cut a long story short I got caught in the cross fire, he caused trouble by stirring it and sent one member emails.  He and a couple of members set up a freebie forums and some of the members went over to it.  On top of that I got the blame for the trouble when all I tried to do was sort the mess out.  Some really hurtful comments were made as well which made my mood worse.  March through to late March / early April depending on when Mother’s Day is a bad time of year for me anyway.  This went on through May die to one person causing trouble and making out it was me.  This eventually stopped but a neighbour has been causing trouble.

The next door neighbour complains for complaining sakes and his wife who is actually a nice lady excuses his bad behaviour on being bipolar.  We’ve got to the stage that we can’t take any more and have pointed out to our community team officer that we both suffer with depression but we don’t use that as an excuse to behave badly.  Anyway for some time his complaint has been that we don’t clear up after our dogs when they have pooped in the back garden.  This is complete rubbish and the officer knows this as she has been round twice about the matter.  We were so fed up of it and the run ins with him that I gave her a list of problems we have had.  He’s chucked plants over our garden on the grounds that they were in his way and bags of cuttings which split.  This was on the grounds that they were in his way (there is a right of way across the back gardens) despite being by our step and he had to walk round that anyway with his lawn mower.  He has pulled up plants at the end of the garden for no reason at all.  We’ve suffered periods when he has been noisy all day every day for several days on end including early morning.  His dog is never on the lead.  Max (dog) is beautiful and very friendly.  Our problem is he knows our two are tetchy with other dogs and the reason why yet he has no respect for us.  There have been other minor issues such as constantly going backwards and forwards through the garden but the final straw was recently when he chucked garden furniture which was by the step so unnecessary and he tried to peer through our window.  There was no need for it and it made me jump.

Rick rang up to complain and for about a week there weren’t any problems.  It was too good to be true.  On Saturday I went out to clear up after the dogs.  He came out and started having a go at me about the dog poop covering the whole garden and it smelt due to the weather.  I was very sharp and told him I only had to clear up three.  He wouldn’t have it and told me that I must be blind not to see it.  I went in to calm down then went out to take the bags round the side to the front so I could put them in the bin.  He was out the front with Max racing around all over the place.  The neighbour started again and I got really annoyed as he started on about us having the dirtiest, smelliest home on the street.  I pointed out that he’s never been in our home so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.  He then claimed the smell goes through the walls which is rubbish.  I completely snapped and told him I was sick to death of him never having his dog under control.  The idiot started on about there is no law saying he has to have the dog on the lead so I told him I never said that.  He then tried the ‘it’s not his fault our dogs aren’t sociable’ line.  I was furious by this time because the worst our two do is bark at other dogs.  I retorted back that  at least we are responsible dog owners which is more than he is and came back in.

The community team officer came round to see us today and I virtually ended up in tears over the matter.  She knows I can’t take any more and could have quite easily walked out on Saturday afternoon and that I’m suicidal.  She is putting it in the intervention team’s hands now as he is refusing to stop the bad behaviour.  It’s going to be next week before we hear from them but at least she is on our side.

The nag squad

Rick is having to deal with more people nagging him about his diet.  He isn’t happy but as I keep pointing out that if we didn’t care we wouldn’t keep on at him.

Early this week Rick went to see the doctor as he has been suffering chest pain when we are out and about. He had an ECG done, blood test done and chest x-ray done.  Rick has an appointment on Monday to find out what’s going on.

Recently I had a check up with reference to my high blood pressure.  The result of the blood test came back as 7 for blood sugar level.  On Thursday I went to have another fasting blood test, had to drink a sweet drink then go back for another blood test.  The nurse thinks I am probably border line diabetic and wants to make certain it isn’t anything worse.   It has given me the kick up the backside I needed to improve my diet.  Just wish I could get through to Rick.

Easter week cont.

Wednesday evening’s meeting being based on the 14 stations was new for us.  It is something that Roman Catholics do.  The history of the 14 stations of the cross is this:

http://www.communityofhopeinc.org/wayofthecross/History.htm

The Stations of the Cross are a Catholic devotion which commemorates the Passion and death of our Lord Jesus Christ. Each of the fourteen stations represents an event which occurred during Jesus’ Passion and death at Calvary on Good Friday.

 The Stations were originally performed many centuries ago by Christian pilgrims who visited the Holy Land and the sites of Jesus’ Passion. Promotion of the devotion to the Stations began in earnest with the Franciscans, who were given custody of the Holy Places in the Holy Land in the 1300s. Countless Catholics have all enriched their spiritual lives with this powerful devotion.

The Stations of the Cross, also called The Way of the Cross, is a devotion to the passion of Christ consisting of prayers and meditations on fourteen occurrences that were experienced by Christ on His way to the crucifixion. During the time of the crusades (1095-1270), it became popular for pilgrims in the Holy Land to walk in the footsteps of Jesus to Calvary. After the Moslims recaptured the Holy Land pilgrimages were too dangerous. As a result, the Stations of the Cross became a popular substitute pilgrimage throughout Europe. The Stations represented critical events from Scripture or tradition of Jesus’ journey to Calvary. Originally done only outdoors, the Stations were allowed inside churches in the mid-18th century. Eventually fixed at fourteen, the Stations soon became a familiar feature in all Catholic churches. The devotion may be conducted personally by the faithful, making their way from one station to another and saying the prayers, or by having an officiating celebrant move from cross to cross while the faithful make the responses. The stations themselves must consist of, at the very least, fourteen wooden crosses, pictures alone do not suffice, and they must be blessed by someone with the authority to erect stations.

These days the practise is to have 14 pictures on the church and walk up to, or in the case of small churches face, the pictures and pray.  It is symbolic of the original walk rather than worshiping idols.

Thursday was Maunday Thursday and the student minister took the service at Auckland Park.  It is a quaint little church and perfect for the service.  I liked the fact that there wasn’t one spare seat.  It was a lovely service which he got absolutely spot on.  After the service was a faith meal which rounded the evening off.

Yesterday we started off with the service in our church, the other churches likewise.  We all came together for a short service at the band stand in town.  Hot cross buns and leaflets were handed out as well.  David from St John’s said that it was good that so many Christians had come out again despite the weather (snowing).  He had appreciated so many of us turning up Tuesday even though the weather was bad.  There was coffee, tea and hot cross buns in St John’s afterwards.

It has been a good week although we were exhausted by yesterday.  We have kept up with doing our usual volunteering during the week plus gone to all the meetings.  We had been asked if we were going to the march in the valley (Eldon) yesterday but we were too tired.  It was important to us that we had gone to all the services.  The last ones are tomorrow afternoon.  This will be for the resurrection of Jesus which is as important as the rest.  The others had led up to the last supper and crucifixion of Christ who died for our sins.  The resurrection is Jesus living again and rising to heaven.

Easter week

Today is the third day into daily services.  Monday evening was at the Salvation Army which was quite an upbeat service for them.  Last night was at St John’s which is an Anglican church and again a good service.  David, the minister there, read out a meditation instead of giving a sermon.  I don’t know the proper name for it but will refer to it as Broken World.  He had pictures up as well, each one with Jesus and cross in them.  It was very appropriate to the world we live in today.  Tonight is at St Thomas Catholic Church where we haven’t been to before so hope the service keeps up with the good services so far.

It has been a tiring week though as we have been doing our usual things at the church hall plus one extra duty.  We are now on the cleaning rota for the chapel now so our first time was on Monday.  On Friday we have a break from lunch club but there is a 1o am service at our church followed by an 11am meeting at the band stand in town.  Saturday will be our one day of rest.

Matthew 26:17-30

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁷ Now the first day of the feast of unleavened bread the disciples came to Jesus, saying unto him, Where wilt thou that we prepare for thee to eat the passover?

¹⁸ And he said, Go into the city to such a man, and say unto him, The Master saith, My time is at hand; I will keep the passover at thy house with my disciples.

¹⁹ And the disciples did as Jesus had appointed them; and they made ready the passover.

²⁰ Now when the even was come, he sat down with the twelve.

²¹ And as they did eat, he said, Verily I say unto you, that one of you shall betray me.

²² And they were exceeding sorrowful, and began every one of them to say unto him, Lord, is it I?

²³ And he answered and said, He that dippeth his hand with me in the dish, the same shall betray me.

²⁴ The Son of man goeth as it is written of him: but woe unto that man by whom the Son of man is betrayed! it had been good for that man if he had not been born.

²⁵ Then Judas, which betrayed him, answered and said, Master, is it I? He said unto him, Thou hast said.

²⁶ And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and brake it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body.

²⁷ And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink ye all of it;

²⁸ For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.

²⁹ But I say unto you, I will not drink henceforth of this fruit of the vine, until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.

³⁰ And when they had sung an hymn, they went out into the mount of Olives.